Eccentric Ideas
by snails-on-the-french-riviera
Summary: Not to be taken seriously. Lucius and Harry end up in Mossflower via some weird trick of magic. now, they must work together to get home, but that may be easier said than done.


Eccentric Ideas

By Snails-on-the-French-Riviera

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"_Crucio!"_

"_Confringo!"_

"_AAARG!!!"_

It had been rather a nice day, Harry reflected—before the Death Eaters showed up. Now brightly coloured hexes were flying thick and fast, and the screams of the hurt and dying filled the air.

That kind of thing tended to put a damper on things.

It was April, he realized inanely: only two months before he should have graduated from Hogwarts. That hardly mattered now, of course. The war had picked up speed after Voldemort's resurrection, and his schooling had been brought to an abrupt, but necessary, halt. Combat training, both magical and physical, had taken the place of normal lessons, and any semblance of normalcy left in his life was eradicated.

Harry felt that loss rather sharply at times. Like right now.

"Circumdo!"

Harry snarled as the curse sent up a sickly yellow barrier around him- some bitch was trying to trap him out of the fight!

"Ruina!" he snapped, pushing his magic against the offending spell. It resisted, but whoever had cast it, though clearly skilled, was no match for him in raw power. The barrier collapsed into itself, the threads of the yellow spell retreating back to the caster. Harry followed the path of the magic, determined to find whoever had thought such a pathetic spell would keep him out of the fight.

He found himself face to face with Lucius Malfoy.

The blonde smirked at him, and Harry snarled.

"Foeditas!" he growled, shooting a dark green hex at the Death Eater. Lucius dodged lazily, raising one pale, perfectly shaped eyebrow. (Harry was _sure_ he plucked them- no man had eyebrows that thin naturally.)

"Really Mister Potter," he drawled, sounding smug, "A disfigurement hex? And here I thought you were supposed to be dangerous."

Harry death-glared him. "Disseco! Incido! Contero! _[Dissect,Cut, Crush!]_"

Malfoy laughed, throwing up a shield with the ease of long practice. "Now that's more like it, Mr. Potter! Incendio!" he yelled.

Harry ducked the flames, and charged at Lucius. Even after four years of training, he knew he was no match for Lucius in a duel- the blonde had decades of experience on him. But who said he had to fight fair? Spell-craft wasn't the only thing he'd learned in the last few years.

Lucius 'eeped,' trying to throw Harry off his back. "Get off me, you insufferable child! What are you doing?!"

Harry grabbed a handful of Lucius' blonde locks, yanking hard.

"Ow! Stoppit, you little cretin! Don't touch my hair!"

Harry withheld a laugh at how, even in the heat of battle, Mr. Malfoy was still worried about his goddamn hair.

He released the hair, but grabbed hold of Lucius' neck instead, locking his hands around the pale column of flesh and squeezing hard, intent on throttling the Death Eater.

Lucius gasped, choking. "Relashio!" he coughed, but the spell, designed to counteract binding spells, did nothing. "Evanesco!" he tried again, this time trying to vanish Harry.

No success there either.

He fell to the ground, Harry still clinging to him like a limpet, hands locked around his throat. Black was filling his vision, the world going dark around the edges.

_Salazar… _he thought, _I'm going to die, aren't I? I'm going to be strangled to death by a psychotic Boy-who-lived… this was not part of my plans._

" Evanesco…" Lucius murmured incoherently. "evanesco…. e… goodbye world… evnesco…."

Lucius' world went black.

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Harry paused. Was he dead yet? He cautiously relaxed his grip on the older man's neck. Lucius didn't stir.

He held his hand under Lucius nose- there was no breath on his knuckes.

"Guess that's that, then," he decided, and released the death eater. He climbed to his feet, brushing off his robes and glancing around. The battle seemed to have played itself out while he'd been busy; it was only a minor skirmish, just a dozen or so death eaters sent on a suicide raid. Harry got the feeling the Voldemort was feeling rather desperate recently.

He looked down at the corpse. "It's a pity, you know," he said quietly. "War, I mean." He sighed. "And to think I wanted to be a florist, when I was young. Still, that's life, right?"

He started to walk away, then paused. "You _are_ dead, right?"

There was no reply.

"Thought so."

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"…Vnesco,"

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A swirl of wind blew up the leaves on the ground, the trees whipping in the rapidly rising gale.

"What the fu—" Harry never got to finish his expletive. A strange wind swept both him and the presumably dead Lucius up, and in a flash of strange coloured magic, they vanished.

The wind dropped. All was quiet.

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_So yeah, there you have it. may or may not be updated in a timely fashion (or at all). just for the lolz. Hope you enjoyed! coughreviewcough_


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